Sam’s suitor

Sam was not just any cat, but was our blue-point Siamese.  Neither was Sam a guy, as the name implies, but was a full-blooded female complete with all the instincts and cravings which occasionally overcome the females of this and other species.  She was named for Samantha, after the main character in Bewitched, the long running comedy show featuring Daren, and Samantha, and Tabatha, and Uncle Arthur.  Then there was also Endora, the lovable witch who readily cast spells upon her rebellious son-in-law, Daren, turning him into every conceivable form of handicapped perversion imaginable through her occult powers.  We never connected any witchcraft with our Siamese female cat, but we discovered that with the twitch of the nose, a spell can be cast upon humans exactly as it happened to Daren.

While it is presumptive to suggest that anyone owns a cat, we just housed Sam from early kitten-hood to adulthood, at which time she started to feel the instinctual reproductive urges associated with her gender.  In this state she assumed grotesque postures and shrieked as if in agony on and off throughout the day and night.  As novices, we came to realize that these bizarre behaviors were involuntary instincts, communicating that something was just not right. After the second and third such occasions, we discussed the possibility of relieving her instincts, through facilitating her female capability. Maybe we should help her have kittens, we thought, through finding a proper suitor.  This set the stage for what was to follow.  As novices, little did we know exactly what kinds of exciting experience to anticipate, and we were not disappointed.

Checking the local papers and through many personal acquaintances, we located a potential suitor, and dialed John, his master’s number.  We discussed the arrangements, the time and place, the process, and set the stage for what, we assumed, would be a somewhat straight forward act of feline copulation.  A key ingredient in this discussion was selecting the proper time for the anticipated encounter.  Next time Sam was ready, we were advised, simply give John a call, and he would arrive to instigate the planned connection, like every responsible John worth his salt.  We understood this arrangement, and duly stored John’s telephone number for speed dialing.

Subsequently one beautiful Sunday morning the signs reappeared like the full moon.  Sam had again achieved that status known as “heat”, and was dragging her tail as she wailed mournfully throughout the house.  We promptly called John to advise him that Sam was ready, and that the act of cat procreation was at hand.  He said he would arrive with his sire immediately after church, stud in hand.  We were filled with confidence, and were hopeful that such prior planning would produce a perfect performance.  We anticipated an immaculate conception, to be followed in a few weeks by several furry Siamese kitten offspring.  Out anticipation was overwhelming.

Sam continued her charade, and from time to time appeared to be totally immobilized from her physical and emotional distress.  While in this state, feline copulation appeared to be a piece of cake.  Shortly after the usual church hour, John and Sam’s suitor arrived and knocked on the door.  We opened the door to see John for the first time, still in his church clothes with his coat removed.  He was carrying his beautiful Siamese stud on the end of a short leash.  They stepped through the door and into the living room.

Seeing her suitor

Sam sees her suitor

At that precise moment we recalled that cats are territorial creatures who mark and protect their area from all intruders large and small..  Our realization was insignificant compared with Sam’s, whose territory had been violated by a strange male of her species in the arms of an alien invader.  She immediately forgot her whining and tail dragging, and struck out for the bundle in John’s arms a good three feet above the floor.

Initially Sam jumped the full three feet to the docile male, screaming like a banshee, teeth bared, and claws flailing like a chainsaw.  John responded immediately to the clear and present danger, and held the leash up into the air, reaching almost to the ceiling, with his petrified male cat hanging down from the leash like a salted ham in a meat market.  This new position required an adjustment in Sam’s plan of attack, as her suitor was now hanging a good five feet off of the floor.

Adjustment was no problem!  Sam scaled John’s church trousers and white shirt like the trunk of a tree, and jumped onto the dangling male, continuing her attack as before.  Within a few seconds Sam ripped fur by the paw-full from the petrified suitor like there was no tomorrow.

Somehow we managed to subdue Sam’s wrath by catching and removing her to a separate room in the house.  Then we surveyed the damage.  John’s church trousers were snagged from Sam’s climb.  The white shirt was torn in several places and blood was oozing through the fabric.  With Sam removed from the room, John was able to resume holding his stud again, safely in his arms.  Surprisingly they both appeared incredibly calm following such a violent encounter, almost as though this was a normal, if not an expected part of the Siamese feline mating ritual.

We were startled and emotionally exhausted from the experience.  After apologizing profusely for Sam’s behavior, we offered to replace John’s torn and bloody clothes.  Indeed, we were having second thoughts about baby Siamese kittens, and thought that possibly we should re-negotiate a somewhat different kind of deal.

Both John and Sam’s suitor had been down this rocky road before. Like every good John, they both knew that the deal was not yet consummated.  John explained to us that Sam’s fury would slowly wane, and within a few hours, she would tolerate her suitor’s presence.  From that point forward, everything would fall into place like clockwork.

With little confidence in this assurance, and Sam locked away in a spare bedroom, the male Siamese was removed from his leash, and given freedom to roam throughout the rest of the house.  After a few moments, John bid us goodbye, leaving his brave Siamese male in our care.

From that moment forward Sam’s suitor knew exactly what to do.  It all happened exactly the way John explained it would happen. We remained shocked beyond belief that a litter of beautiful little Siamese kittens could be brought into the world following such a brutal and bloody introduction.  Yet that is the way it happened.  Surprise!!!!

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