Sure-fire snore stopper

This tale is about the misguided and thoroughly malicious wives tales that have been circulating about the many ways to prevent snoring husbands from interfering with their wives’ sleep.  There must be hundreds of such solutions in circulation.  Pity the hapless husband who suffers the indignity of being the guinea pig in these experiments to cure him of his snoring.  In particular, this story deals with one, sure-fire method of stopping snorers from snoring completely, thus eliminating snoring from a disturbed wife’s environment.  What a marvelous idea!!!

It all began one evening, I guess, in the middle of the night.  I was dead asleep, and was deep in dreamland.  Suddenly I found myself immobilized in the middle of a forest, laying on the ground on my back with a wolf baring his sharp teeth, breathing his hot breath on my neck with his wet nose pressed against my juggler vein.  He was ready to bury his teeth deeply into my tender flesh.  His growling, snarling, and slobbering left no doubt that he was ready to do me in.  I was deathly afraid.  Suddenly I heard a loud snorting snarl in my ear, and I knew I was a dead-man.  Then I realized I was no longer asleep, but had been frightened from sleep back into full consciousness.

Immediately I realized that the wolf in my dreams, sharp teeth, hot breath, and growling snarl, might have been induced by my wife, who was breathing directly on my neck no more than an inch away.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

She was obviously startled, as she was speechless for a longer period of time than I had witnessed in ten years of marriage.

Because of her clearly disoriented state, I continued: “I just had the most horrible dream,” I said.  “I dreamed that a vicious wolf was breathing on my neck, baring his sharp teeth, and was ready to finish me,” I continued.

“Lets not talk about that right now,” she responded.  “Why don’t you go back to sleep, and we can discuss it in the morning.”

“After this death-defying experience,” I said, “I am completely awake, and will be unable to get back to sleep for some time.”

“Did you just snort like a wild animal in my ear?” I asked.

“Well!” she started sheepishly, “I was told that if I snorted like a wild boar right in your ear precisely when you snore, that you would stop snoring.”

“And it certainly worked well, didn’t it,” I replied.  “Here I am wide awake.  It turns out the dream I had about a wild animal ready to tear me limb from limb was actually my wife, who just snorted in my ear while I was sound asleep.  It worked really well, didn’t it,” I repeated.  “I am no longer snoring!”

In fact, she continued, I have been snorting in your ear for over six months, and it has worked perfectly.  It stopped your snoring each time I did it,” she added.

“And it worked perfectly this time, too, I suppose.”

“For six months,” she continued, “you never were awakened.  You just stopped snoring.”

“Now you are telling me,” I replied, “that for six months, it stopped my snoring perfectly.”

“That’s right,” she repeated, “And only on rare occasions did I actually need to snort in your ear more than once or twice a night.”

“You mean to tell me that you snorted on more than one occasion during an evening, while I was sleeping?” I asked.  “Has it ever occurred to you that the horrible nightmare I just experienced was so bad that it was what awakened me from my deep sleep, and not you snarling and slobbering on my neck each night.”

“You have never told me about any dreams like that before,” she admitted.

“But you have acknowledged that on occasion while I was asleep, you experienced me moaning, or running, or shivering and quaking, isn’t that right? I asked.

Yes, I have noticed that on several occasions.

And you never considered that what you were witnessing was me moaning from fright, and running from wild beasts in my dreams.” I added.

“No,” she added, “I never considered that.  I always just knew that each time I snorted in your ear, you stopped snoring and I was able to go back to sleep.  It worked real well for a long time.”

“I really don’t know what is worse; being chased by meat eating animals each night in your dreams, or knowing that your lovely wife is hovering near your juggler vein as you sleep.  Then at just the right moment, she snorts like a wild boar in your ear.  Awake or asleep, it seems I just can’t find much peace in either state.  My wife has induced horrible nightmares into my sleep, and when I awaken as it turns out, she is the horrible nightmare.  How can I win under these circumstances?” I asked.

“Well, I guess you can’t,” she responded.  “It was your own sister, Deane, who told me about her experience with this.  She showed me a clipping from the Minneapolis paper under Heloise Hints, which described the process in detail.   She said it worked really well for her, too.  All the wives have discussed how to get their husbands to stop snoring, and some of the tricks have worked really well.”

“I know one trick that is foolproof,” I added.  “If I sleep on the couch in the living room, I can rest assured that I will not be attacked by my wife for the rest of the night.  I would even bet that the wild animals won’t be able to find me in the living room, because the only wild animal in this house is sleeping in my bed.”

With that, I was so miffed that I moved to the couch in the living room.  I spent the rest of the night in a sound sleep, secure with the knowledge that I would not be attacked by my wife, a truly wild animal if ever there was one.

Sure-fire snore stoppers!  Humbug.  To this day, she remains an ardent advocate for this particularly devious plan, and has threatened to write a sequel to this expose.  Fortunately for me, she also switched to earplugs, a solution which worked flawlessly for the next 40 years.

The next night, after a promise that she would stop snorting in my ear, I moved from the couch back into the bedroom.  At the same time, my snoring became heavily suppressed, owing to the constant fear that the wolf was not only at the door, – she was lurking at my side, hot breath, wet nose and all.

Mama:  Asleep in wolf’s clothing

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